My Super Religious, Homeschooled Nibblings Have to Move in With Us. Oh No. (2024)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister chose religious homeschooling for her 8 and 10-year-old kids, one of many choices I disagreed with. I love her very much, but our values and choices have always been different. We have a “can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” type of relationship. Right now, she and her husband are facing criminal charges for reasons unrelated to kids and parenting. This was not a surprise. She’s currently out on bail, while her husband is not. They both plan to plead guilty and try for a lighter sentence. A lot of people in their social circle are caught up in these arrests.

She asked my husband and me if we would take custody of her kids, and we agreed. We met briefly with a social worker for her kids, but since things aren’t moving legally yet, he’s not really available to us. I want to sit down with my sister prior to the trial and make a parenting plan, but our parenting styles are very different. We’d also be putting the kids in school alongside our own kids this fall, which will be a first for them. They don’t have a lot of practice with socialization, and we want to make this as easy for them as possible. Our household is going to be a culture shock: Our politics are different, our expectations are different, etc.
Where do we start?

—Need a Guide

Dear Need,

Turning over custody of your kids means accepting that the people who are taking care of them may not operate the same way that you would. I’m sure that your sister already understands that life will be different for her children under your supervision. If possible, you should definitely schedule a time to talk through a parenting plan that works for both parties. Establish what concessions and changes you are willing to make to accommodate her desires, and what sort of things are non-negotiables for you. Be transparent as possible with your sister about the sort of environment you plan to cultivate for her kids. Allow her to make requests and suggestions while still honoring the fact that you are ultimately in charge of your home.

I would strongly recommend seeking therapy services for your sister’s kids to help them cope with the temporary loss of their parents, as well as the lifestyle differences they will be experiencing. Let them know that the difference between your home and their parents’ home is not a commentary on what sort of parents they have, but that different families simply operate in different ways. Encourage them to talk openly and honestly about their feelings regarding their parents, their new school, and life with you. Prepare yourself for the fact that there may be a significant period of adjustment for them. Talk to their teachers and school administrators about their homeschool background, as well as their parents’ predicament, and find out if any accommodations can be made to help them. At every turn, remind them that their parents love them very much and only want for them to be happy in your care, regardless of how different things may be for them there.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 16-year-old son wants to drop out of high school. He is a sophom*ore. He is extremely smart and has been an ‘A’ student up until this year. I hate that he’s trying to flunk out and is ending the year with three Fs in core classes. He wants to quit school, start his sales career, and make his millions. He’s already been somewhat successful with an online business, and he doesn’t see any need to get a high school diploma; he thinks it’s time wasted away from being able to work throughout the day. His goal is to make money, and school is in the way. His teachers love him in their classes, he’s very engaging, but none of them nor his academic advisor have been able to help convince him that there is value in finishing strong and getting a diploma. He says he will get his GED or finish online, but I don’t think he will do the work once he sees that it’s actually quite involved. Honestly, he’s wearing me down. We have been struggling for a while; our town and home were lost in a fire at the beginning of the school year, and I feel like I messed up and didn’t give him enough help these last 8 months with everything else going on. (We are all in therapy and they don’t have an answer either.) Do I let him drop out and work full-time? I don’t know what to do, please help.

—Ready to Fold

Dear Ready,

School isn’t for everyone and there are plenty of people who have made successful lives for themselves without a traditional education. However, most folks would argue that it’s unwise to go out into the world without the benefit of a high school diploma. The things your son would be learning in his core classes, such as reading comprehension and math skills, would be important to have for a sales career. Furthermore, while he may be able to find some success online, it would be difficult for a 16-year-old to have a sales job that requires him to interface with clients or vendors because he’s just a kid and it’s unlikely that people would take him seriously. Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to require him to finish school or not, but I would certainly tell you that it’s in his best interest. The socialization aspect alone seems like reason enough to keep him enrolled.

If you decide that your son has to finish high school, then there should be consequences for him failing to apply himself. Perhaps a condition of him being able to operate his online store is that he maintains at least a C average in all his classes. Explain to him that he has the rest of his life to pursue a career in sales, but his job right now is to finish his education. Stay on top of his grades and check in with him daily to make sure he’s completing assignments. Let him know that high school is an important place that will help him prepare for the life he wants, whether he realizes it or not, and that putting forth effort is not optional. Restrict his social activity based on his performance in school. Stand 10 toes down in your decision and don’t waver.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mom has long been emotionally and verbally abusive toward her whole family. She is likely a BPD narcissist, but anytime her psychiatrists (whom she sees to “con” —her words—her Ritalin prescription), broach said diagnosis, she clams they are lying/gaslighting her/out to get her and she finds a new provider. She then brags about it for a month after.

Unfortunately, due to a combination of financial and mental health factors, I’m still living at home with her at 26. She divorced my dad and legally stole half his family’s inheritance years ago; she’s driven my brother and his girlfriend (her former best friend) away by dating abusive men; she uses me as a verbal punching bag and then turns around and demands I be her therapist and the only reason I’ve been able to weather the storm is my incredible fiancé, who moved in 18 months ago. To be clear, we pay all our bills and rent for our room; we just can’t afford the average $2k per month for a slumhole in our state along with funding our complex medical needs. My mom earns a mid-six figure salary, so she’s not hurting for money and has often bragged about using it to buy off her bad behavior, including toward us.

All of this has sucked to varying degrees, but it was almost bearable as long as we were able to work and pay off my medical debts. But last night, she crossed a line. She got drunk, snorted her Ritalin, and physically assaulted me in my room as I tried to call 911 due to her making threats of suicide. My fiancé got her off me before she left a mark, so there’s no evidence except her hysterical screaming on the 911 recording. It was my first time calling for serious help for her. The cops informed me that I could press charges, but it’s a long process that may not result in anything more than a financial slap; worst case, she’d lose her medical license but wouldn’t go to jail.

This was a wakeup call. My fiancé (and intensive therapy) have helped me realize just how desperate and unsafe this situation is, and his saint of a mother offered to let us move with her in a much cheaper state until we can afford something of our own.

So, my question is this: How do I do this without taking advantage of her generosity and while respecting her boundaries? She’s a lovely Christian woman who doesn’t drink, smoke, curse, or understand liberals but who worked in an addiction crisis center for 20 years helping people kick truly awful pasts. I was raped at church when I was 15 (my mom told me I lied/was faking it for attention and refused to get me any kind of help) and I use doctor-prescribed marijuana to handle my anxiety and depression.

I know the basics: pay rent and bills, clean up after ourselves in common spaces, don’t trauma dump too much, curb my cursing, and switch to edibles instead of smoking. But as you can see, I don’t have a lot of experience with a healthy mother-daughter relationship, and I could use some advice to get me through the next few weeks of moving and for the next 1-2 years of living and saving with her while we sort our lives out.

—Safe At Last

Dear Safe,

You don’t have to have experienced a healthy mother-daughter dynamic to have positive interactions with your fiancé’s mom. Just think about being the sort of guests you’d want to have in your own home. Accept the grace and care that this woman is offering you without feeling as though you are somehow unworthy of it; you deserve a safe place to live where you are treated with respect and she is offering you that.

Stay on top of your responsibilities and be as useful as you can around the house. Take on regular chores and help with keeping the space clean, food stocked and cooked, etc. If you can easily switch from smoking to edibles, then do so, but if you ever feel that you’re ability to manage your anxiety and depression are compromised by the change, have an honest conversation with your host about why you consume weed and come up with an agreed upon way for you to do so in or around her home.

Regularly show your gratitude for your fiancé’s mother’s generosity. Tell her how much it means to you that she would have you in her home. Perform random acts of kindness for her. Make sure that you and her son don’t impose upon her lifestyle too much. Respect her space and the way she does things. Remind yourself that you are worthy of what she is doing for the two of you and enjoy having a relationship with a maternal figure who has your best interests in mind.

—Jamilah

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